Reframing

The struggle with victimhood continues. I’ve been trying to visualize success lately. It’s a good exercise for me. It’s been an uphill climb. Yesterday I finally gave up the battle for positive thinking. I decided to try something different. I let myself feel my feelings.

I took out a notebook and wrote for awhile. I gave up on being positive and just wrote every blunt fear and resentment. I cried, I gritted my teeth, and I allowed myself to feel vulnerable. Those of you who’ve done psychotherapy will recognize the process. Eventually I got to a surprising new perspective.

When I was a little girl, I often found myself feeling responsible for my younger brothers. It was usually when my mother was at work and my alcoholic father was tasked with watching us. There wasn’t a whole lot of watching going on from him, so I took it upon myself to watch my brothers. I couldn’t do much, but I could make sure we were all safe.

One incident symbolizes this time for me. My youngest brother was approximately 8 months old. He was at the age where he crawled everywhere and pulled himself up to a standing position by holding on to furniture. That means that I must have been about 4 years and 8 months old. (Our birthdays are close together.) My other brother was 3 years old.

My 3 year old brother and I were playing a game in the living room, when I suddenly realized that I didn’t know where the baby was. My father was sound asleep in his bed. I looked around frantically for the baby and soon found him in the kitchen. He had apparently crawled out there, then pulled himself up by the stove and turned the dials. When I went out there, he sat down in front of the stove and happily watched the flames that were consuming a plastic cup on the stove and reaching almost to the ceiling. I ran to my father and woke him up. He quickly put out the fire and life went back to normal.

When I’ve thought of this story over the years, I’ve felt a combination of relief and guilt. The guilt started that day, when I realized I’d lost track of the baby. It was my responsibility and I’d failed, which almost resulted in disaster. I remembered how utterly over my head I felt in those days. Whenever my mother was away, I felt a responsibility to take care of my brothers, yet I knew I had no idea how to do that. This feeling of being totally incompetent to care for myself and others, has persisted in my brain to this day. It’s the feeling that I have about money. I feel like death and disaster are always one mistake away.

Yesterday I finally realized that I am the hero of this story. Why hadn’t I seen that before? I struggled through overwhelming odds to do what I thought was right. I felt totally incompetent to do what needed to be done, but I tried anyway. That made all the difference. I averted disaster. I saved our lives. Seriously. At four years old, I saved our lives. I’m a hero. I'm going to try to remember that.

As The World Turns

Lately, I’m struggling. I’ve been depressed. I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that I need to work more hours in my day job. This depresses me because I’ve found that I love having more time to work on my business. I’ve made great strides in working on the business, but I’m not selling more yet. I need money and I’m not getting it from the business, so I need to work more in my day job.

I suppose I set myself up for this. The idea that I would suddenly be able to increase sales in my business enough to replace paid employment, was a pipe dream. I’ve been in mourning for the loss of this dream. I’m writing about it a lot and allowing myself to feel the disappointment. I think it’s helping me to move through it, so I won’t be resentful when I start working more hours.

The truth is I’m lucky in a lot of ways. For one, I’m pretty sure I can get more work easily. I am healthy enough to work more. As soon as I bring in more income, I will have everything I need to continue living where I like to live, doing work I like. It isn’t a chore to do the work I do, except when I measure it against being able to do exactly what I want with every minute of my time.

I’m struggling to avoid feeling like a victim with this. I do need to feel the disappointment. I suppose that part of what I’m learning is to feel disappointment without feeling like a victim. That is new for me. I think that when I get through these feelings, I’ll be able to do what I need to do for myself without feeling resentful or victimized. It’s a good lesson.

Going Up

The word of the week is empowerment. I’m learning to empower myself. I’m not sure I know what that means, but it sounds like the opposite of where I’m coming from. It sounds like the opposite of what holds me back. I know the name of what holds me back. It’s called victimhood.

Now, this is not dumping on myself for coming from a place of victimhood. There are very good reasons why that’s my default posture. I had some experts training me to become a victim when I was growing up. It’s a legacy that was passed down from many quarters. I’ve made big strides away from it, but it still sneaks into my psyche when I let my guard down. I need to leave it behind.

I’ve been reading an ebook that has been very helpful with this issue in regards to my business. The title is "The Art of Earning", by Tara Gentile, subtitle "Because Making Money Should Be Beautiful." I love this book. It’s like a manual for going from victim to empowered business person. After a couple of reads, I took the momentous step of raising some of my prices.

I’ve raised my prices before. It’s scary at first and then it feels wonderful. This time, I had been trying to build up my inventory. I noticed that this was making me more and more depressed. It was taking too much effort for too little return. I didn’t think I could sell my stuff for more, but my hourly rate, if I ever sold enough, was hovering around $5 an hour for all the efforts that went into making and selling my products. That’s not enough.

I thought my prices were as high as I could ask, but then Tara said to “get out of the middle.” “ What does that mean?”, you may ask. It means stop trying to price your stuff in the middle of the pack. Oh.

To raise my prices, I need to see my work as valuable. A side effect is that it makes me want to work harder. When I value my work, I want to improve it. I want to see how good it can get. I want to deliver value for the higher prices I want to charge.

I forget about fear when I change my attitude in this way. It’s a startling contrast to my usual state of mind. I see how I’m usually cringing, feeling victimized by the impossibility of being valued for my work. It’s not impossible. I just assume it is. I need to change my fundamental assumptions so I can be successful. And happy. That’s what I really want – to be happy.

For Today

Well, my first two weeks as a half-time entrepreneur were interesting. I did a lot of work, but I can’t tell you what it was like. My mind was taken over by an obsessive anxiety attack. I didn’t sleep. I tried to work every waking minute. I checked my web site obsessively. No sales. If anyone had even thought about buying something from me, I’m sure that my fear and desperation were transmitted through the ether and scared them off. It was horrible.

I’m now in the process of trying to regain my sanity. I’m making self-care a higher priority. The tipping point was when I was trying to imagine what luxury meant to me. The answer was “a clean clutter-free home.” Hmmm. That may be something I could get even if I have no money. And the feeling of luxury might help with the blinding panic. So I’ve been working on that. It helps.

I’m finding other things that help too. I’m looking for advice from other business people. I’m looking to the spiritual advice that always helps me. This time to work on my business is validating for me that I do like to do this work. I’ve had days when I’ve been sure that no one would ever want to buy what I make and I’m a complete fool to think that they might, but I know that I’d enjoy it if I was successful.

I’ve decided to take things one day at a time. For today, I have everything I need. For today, I have plenty of time to work on my business and take care of myself. For today, life is pretty good and I’m going to enjoy it.

Riding the Roller Coaster

I’ve been riding the emotional roller coaster this week. For example, yesterday I had my last shift caring for a client who is moving. I was sad all night. This morning I woke up in a full-blown panic attack over my decision to try to replace the income by expanding my quilting business. This afternoon I’m feeling happy and excited about finally having the time to work on my business. Life is not boring.

I think that the key to maintaining my sanity right now is to keep moving. Not in a frenzy, but deliberately. I’ve learned over the years that inertia is so much more dangerous than making mistakes.

I’m aware of the need to be careful with my time. I’m figuring out how that will work. It doesn’t look like what I would expect. When I’m tired I lay on the couch. Five minutes later I jump up, inspired for the next step in my current project. Paying attention to what I need in any moment is the best use of my time.

I worry when I look at the larger economy, but the universe is conspiring to urge me on this path. This morning I firmed up details for another custom order I got yesterday. Later, my physical therapist told me how she found that eventually one had to make the leap to spend time on a business for it to grow. The most encouraging sign of the day was the feeling I got from working on a sewing project. I’m making something beautiful and unique that the recipient will love. What better use of my time could there be?

Next Steps

My life is changing. I didn’t choose this particular change at this particular moment, but here it is. Next week I will be saying goodbye to a client that I’ve spent many hours with. I will visit her in her new home, but I will only visit. I’m very sad to be saying goodbye to her.

Almost immediately after I heard that this client was moving, I decided to use this change as an opportunity to test the viability of my business. I was excited, I was terrified, I was very worried about money. One thing I’m sure of is that when I’m paralyzed with worry about money, this worry is usually a smokescreen for whatever feelings I’m having. Rather than feel the sadness of saying goodbye to my client, I might panic about losing the work hours. I felt that happen a bit, but I knew what I was doing, so it didn’t continue for long. Awareness is a beautiful thing.

I have made plans for the business. I’ve already started working harder creating products to sell. I have a few custom orders that I’m working on. I’ve made a financial plan so I will know whether or not I’m successful enough to continue on this path. For the month of August, the plan is to get through the month, pay all my bills and don’t use any of the $2000 I have left in savings. It may work, it may not. If I reach the point where I need to spend some of my savings, I will need to find additional paid work – another client or two, another part-time job. I will do whatever I need to do to take care of myself.

Meanwhile, I’m percolating with ideas and energy for my business and I’m feeling the sadness as I say goodbye to my friend.

Jump

I’ve been buckling down on expenses lately. I’ve been more frugal with food. I’ve turned down or postponed several invitations to visit friends because I can’t afford the gas, airfare, time off from work, etc. It’s a good thing I’ve done that. I just found out that one of my homecare clients is moving so I’m losing 16 hours of work per week.

I’m very sad to lose this client. We’ve become very close over the past 3 ½ years. I will be able to visit her occasionally, but it won’t be the same. It’s also a financial issue.

My knee-jerk reaction was to feel panic about how I’m going to make up the income, but the panic subsided pretty quickly. I can probably get more clients from the agency I work for. I could get a part-time job at a nursing home or assisted living facility or another homecare agency. Or I could try to ramp up my business to make up the difference in income. Gulp.

I am excited and terrified in equal measure at the thought of trying to make my business support me. I’ve had enough success that I think it may be possible. I have enough experience to know that I’ll have to be much more dedicated and productive. All in all, it seems like a good opportunity to find out if I can generate enough regular income to live on. Yikes!

I have about two weeks to figure this out. That’s when my client is moving. It will be a melancholy two weeks as we say goodbye. It will also be exciting as I ramp up my business. My plan is to streamline my production to make larger quantities of my products. I’m timing myself as I do business tasks to see how long everything really takes. And I’ll be putting a lot more up for sale on my web site. Whether or not I make sales and how many sales I make, will tell me a lot. Wish me luck. I’m going to jump into the pool.

Reality Check

I don’t always like being a grownup. I’ve been downright cranky about it lately. I’ve been facing a lot of little unpleasant realities. For example, I’ve recently learned that if I want to save money by cooking at home, I have to do the dishes more than once a day. Yuck. If I want to feel healthier physically, I need to lose weight. If I want to lose weight, I need to pay attention to everything I eat and drink. Double yuck. If I want my business to thrive, I need to get organized. If I want to get organized, I need to get rid of the clutter I’ve been accumulating for years. Sigh. Being a grownup can be quite tedious.

Finally, I remembered what the solution is to this crankiness. It’s gratitude. It works every time.

I used to be very suspicious of people who recommended gratitude as the solution to anything. I thought it was a way to ignore problems, rather than deal with them. I thought it was a form of denial. I was wrong.

In recent years, I’ve learned that gratitude actually makes me happy. It’s a necessary counterweight to my normal depression. It allows me to recognize the good things in my life that I usually don’t see. For me, it’s not a smokescreen, it’s a reality check.

I’ve learned from others to make gratitude lists. These are lists of things in my life for which I am grateful. I usually start with the basics. I’m grateful for plentiful clean water. There are a lot of places in the world that don’t have that. I have plenty of good food - another luxury that not everyone enjoys. I have a beautiful place to live in a beautiful state. I have plenty of clothes. I have good friends and family I love.

It goes on from there. When I finish a gratitude list of twenty items, I am reminded once again that I’m very lucky. I have everything I need. In fact, I have way more than I need. I’m rich. It’s good to know that.

Thinking About Money

I have always liked sugar way too much. I have a specific memory of myself as a child, dreaming about when I was older and had a job so I could buy myself unlimited quantities of soda and candy. At the time, I thought that money was the only thing standing between me and all the junk food I wanted to consume. As an adult, I’ve learned about all the ways that sugar hurts my health. I’ve spent a lot of time learning about nutrition and how to take care of my body with food and I no longer eat foods with noticeable amounts of sugar in them.

My attitudes about money haven’t evolved as much as my attitudes around food. I’ve only recently given up the idea that financial comfort means I don’t have to think about the money I spend. Now I see that it was always a pretty absurd idea. I’m a researcher at heart. I love to research varying approaches to any problem I encounter in life. I read constantly. I think about everything, yet my idea of financial health was to not need to think about it. I was very wrong.

Now I find that curiosity is the most useful attitude toward money in my life. Curiousity is replacing worry in my relationship to money. As with other aspects of how I live, I want my handling of money to help me care for myself and live my life in a way that expresses my values. Money can do that. I reduce stress in my life by saving a cushion for emergencies. I can provide myself and my animals with a nice place to live. I can take care of my health. I can support my community.

This journey toward a healthy relationship with money, isn’t a short-term project. It’s part of my life. The more I pay attention to money, the better my life gets. I didn’t see that coming.

Good Work

When I started my current career as a nurse’s aide, I was working in a nursing home. I struggled because the work was hard and the workload seemed impossible. So I was surprised when one of my co-workers said, “You really like this job, don’t you?”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because you’re always singing. You’re always in a good mood.”

I hadn’t noticed, but he was right. I would sing to the residents. I would sing walking down the hall. I would dance around the cafeteria at meals while exchanging jokes with the residents. I’d found my niche - or one of them.

A few years before that it had occurred to me that I might enjoy this work. I like the simplicity of it. You just help people. A well-meaning advisor discouraged my interest in becoming a nurse’s aide. She was concerned about the low pay and low status. I think she thought I would be taking a step backwards in life. I took her advice because I was concerned about those things too.

At the time I was in a leadership position, testing computer software. I was well paid and had a lot more status than I do now. I hated it. The work was so boring to me that I’d give myself little rewards throughout the day to get through the next 15 minutes, 30 minutes, hour …. I worked with people who were just thrilled to be doing the work we were doing, but I hated it. It took a few more years and a layoff to accept that I couldn’t keep doing work I hated.

The irony is that I got terribly in debt while I had this well paying job. I was constantly spending money in an effort to make myself happy. Also, I automatically spent money to try to solve any problem that came up in my life. Sometimes it would be easier to ask a friend for help, but I automatically paid money for help with anything I needed. Since I had money, I thought I couldn’t ask for help. The misery of the debt helped distract me from the misery of the job. And then I felt trapped by the debt. I felt like I couldn’t leave and make less money.

I don’t ever want to get in that position again. I ended up defaulting on a lot of credit card debt. I’m not proud of that. That is not the kind of person I’ve ever wanted to be. I became that person by not listening to what I really needed.

So now I’m doing work I like and working 4 days per week. That gives me time to pursue other interests – the little quilting business I have, this blog, other writing. Things are falling into place. I don't have credit and I'm not going to try to get any in the foreseeable future. For the first time in my adult life, I’m not looking to make any drastic changes to my life. I like it the way it is. That’s a wonderful feeling.

Backsliding

I suppose it was bound to happen. It started as it often does, with a little extra cash. I got the tax refunds that I wasn’t sure I’d get. One hundred dollars went to pay bills for the business. Eleven hundred went to savings. (for future expenses) Sixty dollars went to some expense that I can’t remember and then I had forty-nine dollars I could blow. Except I spent that 49 dollars twice - once in anticipation of getting the refund and once after it arrived. Tricky, eh?

I started spending the extra twenty or thirty dollars that sometimes ends up in my paycheck. Then I started spending more than the extra in the check. I forgot about the bills I need to save for and convinced myself I had extra money to spend. I took myself out to lunch for a treat and then ate out twice more in the same week.

I was brought back to consciousness about this by a mini panic attack. I’m starting to have a lot of respect for anxiety. I find it’s usually a message from a healthier part of myself, letting me know I’m screwing up. This little anxiety attack reminded me that I have winter heat, car repairs and car insurance bills in my future. I need to save for those bills.

This whole process, from splurge to panic, took place in less than a month. I function much better in a financial crisis, than when I have enough or – God forbid – a surplus. I know that one of my challenges is to learn to handle money sensibly when I have more of it. Meanwhile, what does one do when one has screwed up one’s own plans? Start again, of course.

Health

I’m on a forced hiatus from my business. Well, “forced” isn’t entirely accurate. It’s a choice that the universe is conspiring to strongly suggest I take. Like a loanshark strongly suggesting I pay my debt pronto. I’ve been sick lately – a lot. This is not unusual, but it’s getting annoying.

I generally spend a lot of time obsessing about what I’m going to do with my free time. I want to make money while indulging creative pursuits and that’s what I obsess about. I’m too sick to do much of anything when the free time finally arrives. I suspect that obsessing about my free time is a lot of the reason I end up being sick.

Living within my means is changing this dynamic. There is no impending financial crisis. I want to indulge in my habitual panic about money, but it’s not necessary. Everything is fine. How odd.

Yesterday, I realized that my next task is to get healthy. I need to forget about making money from creatiivity until I can maintain good health on a regular basis. I know all the things I need to do to be healthy. I even do some of them now and then. You know – eat well on Wednesday, exercise Saturday, floss on Monday, meditate next week. It’s not enough.

To get healthy I also have to make it a priority to have fun. You would think this would be easy. You would be wrong. I’m not used to combining the pursuit of pleasure with fiscal responsibility. I either willfully ignore my financial condition to do whatever strikes my fancy or continually postpone enjoyment while pursuing an endless list of financial goals. Moderation is not my forte.

So Thursday I spent a lot of time sitting on the porch with my feet up on the railing. I watched the trees and the birds and my dog and cat. I pulled some weeds in the garden, went out for lunch, then drove up a long country road just to see where it went. It was a beautiful day and I felt good afterwards. I may learn to enjoy good health.

Enough Is Enough

For the past year and a half, I’ve been burdened by a freeloader in my life. It’s my own fault. I invited her in. I did nothing, month after month, as she drained my resources. She’s charming and fun, but she never cleans up after herself and she doesn’t pay her bills. Who is this freeloader? I’m sad to admit, she’s my very own quilting business, By A Thread.

I started this business with money I’d inherited from my mother. I was happy to pour this money into any tool or service that might establish and grow my business. I’ve had fun. I’ve made some beautiful things. Complete strangers have spent their hard-earned money on them and been happy about it. Unfortunately, there haven’t been enough sales to come close to covering the investment I’ve made in this business. Sure, one has to invest to build up a business. But By A Thread has become fat and lazy on the artificial cash flow. It’s time for her to get in shape and start paying her own way.

After her last infusion of cash, By A Thread has about $30 in her checking account. Any future purchases for this business will have to come out of this $30 and future sales. She can have my time, but not my money. I had to take a stand. I sure hope she makes it on her own.

Report From The Field

I made the choice to follow through on being frugal. I am now enjoying the gift of time I have purchased for myself. In my regular day job, I work 36 hours over 4 days. Assuming I can learn to live on that, I have the luxury of 3 days per week completely to myself. I’ve caught up on rest and self-care after working 6 days per week this winter. I can now choose how to spend my ample free time. I am rich!

There are other benefits that I’m already seeing from this lifestyle. For the past few weeks, I’ve kept to limits on spending for gas and food. I’m always tempted to spend additional money from my cushion on the day before I get paid. I resist and now I notice a little lift in my self-esteem when I do that. I’m starting to trust myself and feel like I can, indeed take care of myself.

I’ve discovered one danger of the road is the knee-jerk reaction to eat mostly carbs. Pasta is cheap. So are potatoes. Don’t go there. In one week of the all-carb diet, I gained 4 pounds. Eeeeek! I’ve now taken off two of them, but it’s sure slower coming off than it was putting on. And it is totally unnecessary to gain that weight. Especially when you have one of those handy discount food stores around. I’ve got two, just over the river in New Hampshire.

It does take planning and cooking. And calculating the cost of everything. It can be fun to do that. One day I had $10 to spend on food and I was amazed with what I got – broccoli, chickpeas and a pepper to make my favorite salad, cheese, yogurts, biscuit mix. I think I got some fruit too. It’s satisfying to eat well on a small amount of money.

Looming on the horizon is the need to accumulate the $3000 I’ll need for heat next winter, but I have time. Right now it’s May and the flowers are blooming. Robins are nesting in the garage over my car. Life is good.

Yikes!

This past Thursday, I had a “come to Jesus” moment regarding money - or perhaps in my case, a “come to Buddha” moment. It was an awakening to my financial situation and not a pleasant one. I looked at my financial situation in the morning, then spent the rest of the day shaking in fear. It had to happen sooner or later.

The reason it had to happen, is because I have been living beyond my means – again. For the past two years, that has been enabled by the money I inherited from my mother. That money paid for a couple of vacations, car repairs, equipment to start and run my online business, and the everyday difference between my salary and what I spent. To tell you the truth, I really loved not thinking about money. But that time is over, and consciousness does have it’s own rewards.

So Thursday I paid some bills and figured out how I was going to pay the other 2 bills I have as well as the May rent. Some of you may remember that two months ago, I had $3400 in savings. Paying my bills next week will require taking money out of my savings that will bring my savings down to $1100. This is what sent me into a panic attack that lasted the whole day.

My income is about $350 per week or $1400 per month most months. If I spend $100 per week on gas and groceries, the remaining $1000 per month is enough to pay my rent and utilities, excluding heat. I have figured out where the extra $2300 went. $1500 went to my landlord for 3 months of heating bills and for last summer’s grass cutting. $250 went to vet bills and medicine for my sick cat who died a couple of weeks ago of lymphoma. $100 went to car maintenance. I lost $200 because I was out sick two days. The other $250 is pure unconscious spending more than I have.

I had a dilemma. Should I get an additional part-time job? Should I move someplace cheaper? Try to find a roommate situation? I’ve lived alone for more than 20 years, so the roommate solution is unappealing. I have a cat and a dog and I like where I live. I hate the process of moving, so I’ll avoid that as long as I can. My knee-jerk reaction is to try to get an additional job. In my mind I think I can always just work more. But this winter I had an additional part-time job and it made a mess of my life. I was working overnight which had something to do with it. My diet got messed up, I gained weight, felt horrible and developed back problems. I had no time to socialize or do much of anything. By the time it was over, I was totally ungrounded and miserable. I’d like to avoid that in the future.

I’m probably getting about $1200 in tax returns which can restock my savings. I have started to feel sane and balanced from having time to take care of myself and my animals. I want desperately to avoid getting another job, so here is what I came up with.

From now on, my payday routine will be to pay bills, leave $100 in my checking account for gas and groceries, and put the rest in my savings account. This will make it easier for me to stick to the $100 a week for gas and groceries. My paychecks are actually usually $370 or $380 so there is a little more money that will end up in savings. Also, every 3 months, there is an extra paycheck in the month that can go to savings. Since we are at the end of this year’s heating season, I have a few months to see if I can follow this plan and actually save enough to pay for irregular expenses like car repairs, insurance and next year’s heat. I’m also working hard on my business. Hopefully soon, it will not only pay for itself completely but will also contribute a bit to those irregular expenses. If not, there’s always that part-time job.

You’ll be hearing more about this. Wish me luck.

Fantasy Life

Most of the time, I read mystery novels for relaxation, but occasionally I read fantasy novels. The name is apt. I’m usually looking for fantasy when reading those novels. One of my favorite scenes is when a main character comes to the marketplace. There is usually excitement in the air as the hero encounters the varied characters and the wonders for sale there. Or perhaps there is danger in the air as our hero is pursued through the labyrinth maze of shops. It reminds me of the feeling I have going to a café or a bookstore or a farmers market. Not the danger, but the excitement. The crowds are gathered. There are wondrous creations on offer. There are all sorts of people to watch. It’s the perfect escape from one’s life.

I have a friend who has a different relationship to shopping. Her shopping adventures come from a genuine desire to obtain items for some purpose. When she comes home from shopping, she immediately unwraps her treasures, puts them in the appropriate place, and basks in the satisfaction of a need well met. If she’s bought food, she immediately starts cooking. If she bought shelving, she immediately fetches the hardware and installs her shelves. I, on the other hand, dump my packages on the kitchen table, then wander away to check the telephone answering machine, my email, facebook.

The trip to the marketplace is what holds appeal for me. I buy fantasies of what my purchases represent. I buy books because I would like to think of myself as a person knowledgeable about their subjects. I buy household goods to imagine myself in a palace or a county cottage. I buy clothes for an event I’d like to attend someday.

In the “Your Money or Your life” program, there is a step where you ask yourself if your purchases brought you satisfaction commensurate with the amount of life energy you spent acquiring them. This encompasses not only the morning you may have spent at the mall shopping, but also the hours of working and commuting time you spent earning the money to buy that thing. Is it worth it to you?

I find excitement, distraction, and a sense of community in various marketplaces. My challenge is to separate the search for these things from spending money.

Visual Inspiration

Last week I heard a couple of news stories on NPR about winners of memory contests. Apparently there are national and international contests where people compete to see who can display the best memory. Like any competition, the competitors train. In this case, they train to remember strings of numbers, words, playing cards - whatever.

What I found fascinating about this, other than the fact that scores of adults do, in fact, compete in a contest like this, is that they use visual images to remember pieces of information. Images stick with us. A reporter trained, competed and won a championship using visual images. Take a look.

I started quilting a few years ago and started to make a business of it about a year and a half ago. I’m starting to immerse myself in visual images. I’ve been a writer for most of my life, so learning to express myself in visual images is a whole new skill.

I read in the blog, Do What You Love, about a woman who wrote a book to teach artists to make right brain business plans. (See the interview here.) I was intrigued. I’m also trying to be frugal, so rather than rushing to my credit card to buy a copy of her book, I tried to imagine how it could help me. In the interview, this author talks about “guiding readers through a visual and creative process to identify their vision.” I took a stab at visually expressing my vision for my business. Here’s what I came up with:

This is basically a diagram of how I want my business sales to progress. The first circle, containing two little smiley faces, represents the current state of my business - an average of two sales per month. The circles progress to the last circle with 50 smiling faces representing 50 sales per month (to 50 happy customers.) Even 50 sales per month would probably not entirely support me, but it’s as much as I could imagine at the moment.

So what use is this chicken scratch, you might ask? This little diagram immediately brought home to me, in a very visceral way, that I was not prepared for 50 happy customers per month. My first thought on finishing the drawing was, “I’ve got to get organized.” I got a clear mental picture of the well stocked, organized studio I needed to create to pull this off. Every time I look at this drawing, it’s a reminder that I need to ramp up to get where I want to be in terms of sales. And it helps me to imagine doing that. I would never have predicted this result from trying to draw a business plan.

This brings me to the book, Your Money or Your Life - my money bible. For those who haven’t heard of it, Your Money or Your Life is a 9 step program to make peace with money in your life. The result of following the program can be to arrive at a place where you no longer have to work for money because you’ve pared down your expenses and amassed sufficient savings to live off the interest.

One of the things you do in this program is to chart how much money you spend every month. When you begin to build savings, you chart your monthly interest income. As your spending first decreases, then levels off, and your interest income gradually increases, you arrive at a place where the two figures meet. This place is called enough.

I’d like to be able to show you this, but I haven’t done this charting for more than a couple of months at a time. I did chart my debts when I was trying to pay them off. I put the chart on my refrigerator and watched the line go down as I got closer and closer to being debt free. It helped keep me motivated. Unfortunately, as soon as my debts were paid, I put the charts away and got in financial trouble again.

I see some new charts in my future.

Cabin Fever

The sky is grey. The snow is grey. Where the snow and ice have receded, there is a foot of mud. It’s March in New England. I was talking to a friend the other day and we realized we were both suffering from that seasonal depression called cabin fever. Even the sweet, iconic sight of sap buckets hanging from the sugar maples, doesn’t cheer me when I’m bouncing along the rutted roads, praying that nothing breaks on my car.

I have discovered one silver lining in this overcast sky. This is a good time to do paperwork. I actually enjoyed finishing up balancing my checkbook the other day. This morning it dawned on me that this would be the perfect time to finally get my taxes done.

So, yes, I did get my checkbook balanced for the past year. I was terrified at first, just because it always terrifies me to face my financial condition. I discovered a few of the mistakes I made recording or not recording purchases throughout the year. Discovered the check I wrote to buy Christmas presents, that still hasn’t been cashed. And I discovered I had $80 more than I thought. Sweet. It usually goes in the other direction. I was reminded that even though I’m pretty vigilant about writing down the purchases I make with my checking account, I inevitably miss one here and there. That’s why I need to balance my checkbook on a regular basis, I remind myself.

Tax filing is my next challenge. I started a little business online and now I need to fill out a Schedule C, including inventory accounting. I’ve been dreading it, but it’s necessary. It’s one of those challenges I need to overcome to become a real businesswoman. When I look at it that way, I feel better about it. I sound like I’m channeling Tony Robbins. So be it.

Emotional Spending

I’ve been watching my spending habits in relation to my emotions. It’s amazing how tied in they are. In particular, I’ve noticed that my automatic reaction to being angry or tired is to buy food. Bad day at work? Must have pizza. Didn’t get to sleep last night? Five cups of coffee from the corner store will fix it. Especially if I buy a treat to eat at the same time. I could have just filled my refrigerator at home, but if a bad day comes calling, I’m stopping for more groceries on the way home from work.

So this week I’ve made an effort to uncouple the spending reaction from my mood. It feels like turning a truck – it’s difficult and not pretty – but I’ve had some success. What’s truly shocking is how my mood shifts with my choices. When I give in to the urge to drown my consciousness by purchasing food, I get a giddy high, soon followed by a crash back into the same bad mood I was avoiding in the first place. If I manage to deny myself the food spree, I have a few minutes of an internal temper tantrum, quickly followed by relief. I come home and cook that wonderful dinner I’d planned, and I enjoy it. Or I decide not to attend the evening meeting I committed to but am too tired for and instead, I relax.

As I observe these things and change my behavior, it has a familiar feel. I’ve been here before. I have little moments of feeling sane and grounded and I think, “Oh, yes. I like this. Why did I stop?”

Good question. I have no answer. I only know I keep sliding between the urge for sanity and the compulsion to hide.

The Numbers

One thing I’ve learned about my dysfunctional relationship with money is that I avoid being aware of where I stand financially. I enable myself by refusing to look at my reality. I’m like a little kid who thinks she can change what she doesn’t like by pretending things are the way she wants them to be.

The FI program I want to follow (FI standing for variously Financial Independence, Financial Integrity, Financial Intelligence) requires paying attention. It’s a sort of meditation on money and my relationship with it. One of the steps of this program is to record every cent that goes in or out of your life. I was horrified when I first heard this. I’m still horrified, although I grudgingly see that it will be useful. I’ve actually done it for weeks at a time, but not recently. I haven’t even balanced my checkbook in close to a year.

So that is the next task that I’m committing to in the interest of financial recovery. It’s now Sunday, February 27, 2011. I commit to balancing my checkbook with the last years worth of statements and I will do this within a week. Meanwhile, I thought I’d share a few vital statistics in my financial life. Hopefully, we’ll all be able to see how they change for the better.

As of 2/27/11 here are my bank balances:

Savings (balance required for my credit union accounts) - $25.28

Checking account - $880.78

Money Market Account (really just a savings account) – $3,407.72

Paypal account for Etsy business - $7.59

Business checking account - $8.91

I make $11.50 per hour as a Nurse’s Aide and I’m scheduled to work 36 hours per week. Earlier in the winter I had a part-time job on the weekends. I will undoubtedly have to do that again, because I spend more than I make in my regular job. I also have a little business making & selling quilted items. (http://byathread2.etsy.com) Another place where I spend more than I take in.

I think that about does it for vital statistics. Onward!

Late Blooming

I am not a naturally thrifty person. I love spending money the way an alcoholic loves a drink. The idea of financial comfort I developed growing up was to be able to spend money without thinking about it. Through much painful personal experience, I’ve proved to myself that there is no amount of money that can hold up to that definition of financial comfort. I have looked for other approaches to money.

In the 1980’s I discovered an organization called the New Roadmap Foundation. At the time, they sold a course on tape about becoming financially independent. Since then, they’ve published a book , “Your Money or Your Life”, about their views on money. Desperate to escape my spendthrift ways, I sent in my $60 and got the course on tape. It was a revelation. They talked about looking at how much time and “life energy” you traded for money and seeing if you spent that money in ways that brought satisfaction to you. The course describes 9 steps to take to become financially independent and I could see how it could work. For me. I just had to apply the principles I learned in the course.

There was the rub. I’m a big dreamer and I can envision a lot of very practical dreams, but I’m not good at following through on them. I have made progress on this dream of becoming financially independent. I’ll never forget the terror I felt that first time I cut up my credit cards. I burned candles and had a little ceremony to give myself strength. Now I have no credit cards and life is better without them.

I’m not, however, satisfied with my financial progress. At the ripe old age of 53, I’ve stopped looking at life as a wide open vista and started seeing it in terms of “the time I have left.” One of my dearest dreams is to finally get to the point where my relationship with money is sane and comfortable. To that end, I’ve decided to start this blog – to share my money adventures and to keep myself accountable. I invite you to join me on this journey. Perhaps you will find something of interest for your financial journey.