Lately, I’m struggling. I’ve been depressed. I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that I need to work more hours in my day job. This depresses me because I’ve found that I love having more time to work on my business. I’ve made great strides in working on the business, but I’m not selling more yet. I need money and I’m not getting it from the business, so I need to work more in my day job.
I suppose I set myself up for this. The idea that I would suddenly be able to increase sales in my business enough to replace paid employment, was a pipe dream. I’ve been in mourning for the loss of this dream. I’m writing about it a lot and allowing myself to feel the disappointment. I think it’s helping me to move through it, so I won’t be resentful when I start working more hours.
The truth is I’m lucky in a lot of ways. For one, I’m pretty sure I can get more work easily. I am healthy enough to work more. As soon as I bring in more income, I will have everything I need to continue living where I like to live, doing work I like. It isn’t a chore to do the work I do, except when I measure it against being able to do exactly what I want with every minute of my time.
I’m struggling to avoid feeling like a victim with this. I do need to feel the disappointment. I suppose that part of what I’m learning is to feel disappointment without feeling like a victim. That is new for me. I think that when I get through these feelings, I’ll be able to do what I need to do for myself without feeling resentful or victimized. It’s a good lesson.
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