I’ve been watching my spending habits in relation to my emotions. It’s amazing how tied in they are. In particular, I’ve noticed that my automatic reaction to being angry or tired is to buy food. Bad day at work? Must have pizza. Didn’t get to sleep last night? Five cups of coffee from the corner store will fix it. Especially if I buy a treat to eat at the same time. I could have just filled my refrigerator at home, but if a bad day comes calling, I’m stopping for more groceries on the way home from work.
So this week I’ve made an effort to uncouple the spending reaction from my mood. It feels like turning a truck – it’s difficult and not pretty – but I’ve had some success. What’s truly shocking is how my mood shifts with my choices. When I give in to the urge to drown my consciousness by purchasing food, I get a giddy high, soon followed by a crash back into the same bad mood I was avoiding in the first place. If I manage to deny myself the food spree, I have a few minutes of an internal temper tantrum, quickly followed by relief. I come home and cook that wonderful dinner I’d planned, and I enjoy it. Or I decide not to attend the evening meeting I committed to but am too tired for and instead, I relax.
As I observe these things and change my behavior, it has a familiar feel. I’ve been here before. I have little moments of feeling sane and grounded and I think, “Oh, yes. I like this. Why did I stop?”
Good question. I have no answer. I only know I keep sliding between the urge for sanity and the compulsion to hide.
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