Backsliding

I suppose it was bound to happen. It started as it often does, with a little extra cash. I got the tax refunds that I wasn’t sure I’d get. One hundred dollars went to pay bills for the business. Eleven hundred went to savings. (for future expenses) Sixty dollars went to some expense that I can’t remember and then I had forty-nine dollars I could blow. Except I spent that 49 dollars twice - once in anticipation of getting the refund and once after it arrived. Tricky, eh?

I started spending the extra twenty or thirty dollars that sometimes ends up in my paycheck. Then I started spending more than the extra in the check. I forgot about the bills I need to save for and convinced myself I had extra money to spend. I took myself out to lunch for a treat and then ate out twice more in the same week.

I was brought back to consciousness about this by a mini panic attack. I’m starting to have a lot of respect for anxiety. I find it’s usually a message from a healthier part of myself, letting me know I’m screwing up. This little anxiety attack reminded me that I have winter heat, car repairs and car insurance bills in my future. I need to save for those bills.

This whole process, from splurge to panic, took place in less than a month. I function much better in a financial crisis, than when I have enough or – God forbid – a surplus. I know that one of my challenges is to learn to handle money sensibly when I have more of it. Meanwhile, what does one do when one has screwed up one’s own plans? Start again, of course.

Health

I’m on a forced hiatus from my business. Well, “forced” isn’t entirely accurate. It’s a choice that the universe is conspiring to strongly suggest I take. Like a loanshark strongly suggesting I pay my debt pronto. I’ve been sick lately – a lot. This is not unusual, but it’s getting annoying.

I generally spend a lot of time obsessing about what I’m going to do with my free time. I want to make money while indulging creative pursuits and that’s what I obsess about. I’m too sick to do much of anything when the free time finally arrives. I suspect that obsessing about my free time is a lot of the reason I end up being sick.

Living within my means is changing this dynamic. There is no impending financial crisis. I want to indulge in my habitual panic about money, but it’s not necessary. Everything is fine. How odd.

Yesterday, I realized that my next task is to get healthy. I need to forget about making money from creatiivity until I can maintain good health on a regular basis. I know all the things I need to do to be healthy. I even do some of them now and then. You know – eat well on Wednesday, exercise Saturday, floss on Monday, meditate next week. It’s not enough.

To get healthy I also have to make it a priority to have fun. You would think this would be easy. You would be wrong. I’m not used to combining the pursuit of pleasure with fiscal responsibility. I either willfully ignore my financial condition to do whatever strikes my fancy or continually postpone enjoyment while pursuing an endless list of financial goals. Moderation is not my forte.

So Thursday I spent a lot of time sitting on the porch with my feet up on the railing. I watched the trees and the birds and my dog and cat. I pulled some weeds in the garden, went out for lunch, then drove up a long country road just to see where it went. It was a beautiful day and I felt good afterwards. I may learn to enjoy good health.

Enough Is Enough

For the past year and a half, I’ve been burdened by a freeloader in my life. It’s my own fault. I invited her in. I did nothing, month after month, as she drained my resources. She’s charming and fun, but she never cleans up after herself and she doesn’t pay her bills. Who is this freeloader? I’m sad to admit, she’s my very own quilting business, By A Thread.

I started this business with money I’d inherited from my mother. I was happy to pour this money into any tool or service that might establish and grow my business. I’ve had fun. I’ve made some beautiful things. Complete strangers have spent their hard-earned money on them and been happy about it. Unfortunately, there haven’t been enough sales to come close to covering the investment I’ve made in this business. Sure, one has to invest to build up a business. But By A Thread has become fat and lazy on the artificial cash flow. It’s time for her to get in shape and start paying her own way.

After her last infusion of cash, By A Thread has about $30 in her checking account. Any future purchases for this business will have to come out of this $30 and future sales. She can have my time, but not my money. I had to take a stand. I sure hope she makes it on her own.

Report From The Field

I made the choice to follow through on being frugal. I am now enjoying the gift of time I have purchased for myself. In my regular day job, I work 36 hours over 4 days. Assuming I can learn to live on that, I have the luxury of 3 days per week completely to myself. I’ve caught up on rest and self-care after working 6 days per week this winter. I can now choose how to spend my ample free time. I am rich!

There are other benefits that I’m already seeing from this lifestyle. For the past few weeks, I’ve kept to limits on spending for gas and food. I’m always tempted to spend additional money from my cushion on the day before I get paid. I resist and now I notice a little lift in my self-esteem when I do that. I’m starting to trust myself and feel like I can, indeed take care of myself.

I’ve discovered one danger of the road is the knee-jerk reaction to eat mostly carbs. Pasta is cheap. So are potatoes. Don’t go there. In one week of the all-carb diet, I gained 4 pounds. Eeeeek! I’ve now taken off two of them, but it’s sure slower coming off than it was putting on. And it is totally unnecessary to gain that weight. Especially when you have one of those handy discount food stores around. I’ve got two, just over the river in New Hampshire.

It does take planning and cooking. And calculating the cost of everything. It can be fun to do that. One day I had $10 to spend on food and I was amazed with what I got – broccoli, chickpeas and a pepper to make my favorite salad, cheese, yogurts, biscuit mix. I think I got some fruit too. It’s satisfying to eat well on a small amount of money.

Looming on the horizon is the need to accumulate the $3000 I’ll need for heat next winter, but I have time. Right now it’s May and the flowers are blooming. Robins are nesting in the garage over my car. Life is good.