Yikes!

This past Thursday, I had a “come to Jesus” moment regarding money - or perhaps in my case, a “come to Buddha” moment. It was an awakening to my financial situation and not a pleasant one. I looked at my financial situation in the morning, then spent the rest of the day shaking in fear. It had to happen sooner or later.

The reason it had to happen, is because I have been living beyond my means – again. For the past two years, that has been enabled by the money I inherited from my mother. That money paid for a couple of vacations, car repairs, equipment to start and run my online business, and the everyday difference between my salary and what I spent. To tell you the truth, I really loved not thinking about money. But that time is over, and consciousness does have it’s own rewards.

So Thursday I paid some bills and figured out how I was going to pay the other 2 bills I have as well as the May rent. Some of you may remember that two months ago, I had $3400 in savings. Paying my bills next week will require taking money out of my savings that will bring my savings down to $1100. This is what sent me into a panic attack that lasted the whole day.

My income is about $350 per week or $1400 per month most months. If I spend $100 per week on gas and groceries, the remaining $1000 per month is enough to pay my rent and utilities, excluding heat. I have figured out where the extra $2300 went. $1500 went to my landlord for 3 months of heating bills and for last summer’s grass cutting. $250 went to vet bills and medicine for my sick cat who died a couple of weeks ago of lymphoma. $100 went to car maintenance. I lost $200 because I was out sick two days. The other $250 is pure unconscious spending more than I have.

I had a dilemma. Should I get an additional part-time job? Should I move someplace cheaper? Try to find a roommate situation? I’ve lived alone for more than 20 years, so the roommate solution is unappealing. I have a cat and a dog and I like where I live. I hate the process of moving, so I’ll avoid that as long as I can. My knee-jerk reaction is to try to get an additional job. In my mind I think I can always just work more. But this winter I had an additional part-time job and it made a mess of my life. I was working overnight which had something to do with it. My diet got messed up, I gained weight, felt horrible and developed back problems. I had no time to socialize or do much of anything. By the time it was over, I was totally ungrounded and miserable. I’d like to avoid that in the future.

I’m probably getting about $1200 in tax returns which can restock my savings. I have started to feel sane and balanced from having time to take care of myself and my animals. I want desperately to avoid getting another job, so here is what I came up with.

From now on, my payday routine will be to pay bills, leave $100 in my checking account for gas and groceries, and put the rest in my savings account. This will make it easier for me to stick to the $100 a week for gas and groceries. My paychecks are actually usually $370 or $380 so there is a little more money that will end up in savings. Also, every 3 months, there is an extra paycheck in the month that can go to savings. Since we are at the end of this year’s heating season, I have a few months to see if I can follow this plan and actually save enough to pay for irregular expenses like car repairs, insurance and next year’s heat. I’m also working hard on my business. Hopefully soon, it will not only pay for itself completely but will also contribute a bit to those irregular expenses. If not, there’s always that part-time job.

You’ll be hearing more about this. Wish me luck.

Fantasy Life

Most of the time, I read mystery novels for relaxation, but occasionally I read fantasy novels. The name is apt. I’m usually looking for fantasy when reading those novels. One of my favorite scenes is when a main character comes to the marketplace. There is usually excitement in the air as the hero encounters the varied characters and the wonders for sale there. Or perhaps there is danger in the air as our hero is pursued through the labyrinth maze of shops. It reminds me of the feeling I have going to a café or a bookstore or a farmers market. Not the danger, but the excitement. The crowds are gathered. There are wondrous creations on offer. There are all sorts of people to watch. It’s the perfect escape from one’s life.

I have a friend who has a different relationship to shopping. Her shopping adventures come from a genuine desire to obtain items for some purpose. When she comes home from shopping, she immediately unwraps her treasures, puts them in the appropriate place, and basks in the satisfaction of a need well met. If she’s bought food, she immediately starts cooking. If she bought shelving, she immediately fetches the hardware and installs her shelves. I, on the other hand, dump my packages on the kitchen table, then wander away to check the telephone answering machine, my email, facebook.

The trip to the marketplace is what holds appeal for me. I buy fantasies of what my purchases represent. I buy books because I would like to think of myself as a person knowledgeable about their subjects. I buy household goods to imagine myself in a palace or a county cottage. I buy clothes for an event I’d like to attend someday.

In the “Your Money or Your life” program, there is a step where you ask yourself if your purchases brought you satisfaction commensurate with the amount of life energy you spent acquiring them. This encompasses not only the morning you may have spent at the mall shopping, but also the hours of working and commuting time you spent earning the money to buy that thing. Is it worth it to you?

I find excitement, distraction, and a sense of community in various marketplaces. My challenge is to separate the search for these things from spending money.